Thanks for the patience. I think one of my many New Year’s resolutions will to be write more frequently. Writing forces me to sit and trace a thought miles further than I ever would have. Often I am thankful for the destination to which I arrive- sometimes not. I have not attained the maturity to appreciate a jaunt that winds up with facing my own shortcomings. No matter the arrival point, always better for the frolic.
Hazel is smiling, cooing, and growing. Just last night she set a personal record for sleeptime. We have encouraged her that records are made to be broken. Needless to say. she is awesome.
Ginny is knee-deep in filling Christmas orders. She has surrounded herself with some great friends and co-workers who have allowed her to carry on the jewelry business with both hands on Hazel. Words cannot convey how fun it has been to see her actively mother again. She smiles a lot these days- even at 1am, 3am, and 5am.
We are heading to Lake Providence for Christmas with Ginny’s family. Therefore, I am taking bets on the number of times I turn down the opportunity to hunt. And with that one sentence, I offended an entire town. Should be a great time. By far, Hazel’s longest road trip. I’m sure there will be stories.
I continue to promise that this blog will include things that are a little more out of the box of what I have blogged about in the past. I intend to widen the scope of things I put on here by throwing out a thought, video or something I just thought was funny. This must be the goal because if I wait on a good thought, I am afraid this blog will quickly become annual.
With that said, more of the same.
Ginny, Hazel and I bundled up and ventured out to Hazel’s 2-month appointment yesterday. We approached this visit with great excitement as well as hesitation. On one hand, it was a normal 2-month appointment. That is amazing, and very exciting. On the other hand, we knew they were coming. Shots.
We had never done a round of shots. And we were fine with that. The experience of losing a child tends to push you one way or the other- middle ground now seems unattainable. Either we will be parents who worry about everything. Every fall. Every cough. Every germ. Every time we’re not around. And who could blame us? Or we will be parents who worry about very little. “Oh the flu? She’ll be fine in a couple of days.”
Honestly, I am not sure where we’ll land. But I hope it’s somewhere that acknowledges that we are not in control. If we were, he would be here.
For those of you who know me, be proud. I did not embarrass Ginny by threatening the nurse with a lawsuit or with death if she were to appear to screw anything up. This is actually not a joke. I have come so far.
And as three shots penetrated the legs of my baby girl, I saw it all unfold before me. The elusive line of parenting. A brief synopsis of all the inner-struggle that raising this little girl would be.
Because here is the truth about immunization shots. The Dr. is giving a small amount of something terrible to my daughter. The effects of polio are horrible. And there lies Hazel- introduced to a world with pain. If not fully understood yesterday, it will not take long for her to ascertain that although this world contains glimpses of beauty, it is not nice.
And the elusive line beckons. How will we parent Hazel? I know my default. I will gladly die in order to protect this girl. I want to keep any and all things far from her that would cause her the least bit of pain- emotional or physical. Yet, there I stand and allow another to cause pain and infuse my daughter with disease.
Because, what comes natural is not always best. Immunizing inflicts pain today to deter greater pain tomorrow. Introduction in small amounts allows the body to build up resistance.
In the same way, I want my daughter to rub shoulders with the world. I want her to taste the hurts, shortcomings, and pain of this world. I want her to know need. See need. Understand need. This is nice to type, but follow through will prove tough. I will be battling my default.
Where the line falls of that which I hope she is introduced to, and that which I hope she is never introduced to, is the elusive part. Many times it seems that the goal of parenting is total safety. This communicates many things- foremost that we are in control. Thus need becomes a foreign idea.
But this is a fallen world. Desperately in need. May my words and actions convey nothing less. I hope not to run or hideout or seek, at all costs, to avoid the pain. Instead, may I allow my daughter to see things as they are, even if that is terrible. And may the taste and pain of this world create in her an insatiable desire for something better.
I resolve to seek the line. It’s always easier to not wrestle with demarcation, and just keep it all out. But lack of immunization to the world produces those bewildered at life’s toughest lessons. And the pain of this world is coming. I cannot stop it. But I will be there at its introduction because it is I who allowed entry- in the smallest possible dosage that will achieve the objective.
So, I am thankful for theses thoughts that came from shots. If nothing else, it was these thoughts coming fast and furious that allowed me to not physically harm the nurse.
I welcome comments. And feel free to posts in the comments ways that you have seen this introduction done in effective ways or ineffective ways.